As far as it goes, I have always been afraid of everything. Strangers, socialization, stagnancy. Independence, ignorance, intimacy. Hated roller coasters, cancelled plans, holed up under the covers like a particularly immovable boulder. As far as it goes, I have spent every year of my life in survival mode. Not this one, though.
2024, you were good to me, at least in the way only you could be. My memories are sweet, torn up in laughter and sugar-coated in midnight dance parties, sunlit strolls, fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. Watching Wicked and then crossing the street to rent a karaoke room, singing Like a Prayer by Madonna as if hearts depended on it. 2 a.m. pizza runs, you'll get us there if I get us home, Willie Wonka bed-sitting, venting, and listening.
2024, you taught me the freeing nature of a light-heart. That softness does not necessarily indicate weakness. Forgiveness does not mean being a doormat and forging your own path means making mistakes. Laughing at them, too. Like, falling onto the dock off a boat, chipping my tooth, getting laid off. Things don't have to be as embarrassing as their inherent nature indicates, because life is too short to care what a stranger thinks and too precious to pretend to be serious.
2024, you said sure, life is scary. You'll get chased up a subway platform at noon on a Sunday, ran over by a rat a little passed midnight, and almost get hit by Citi-biker after Citi-biker. I got barked at in Phillies stadium as one of only three Mets fans there and the only thing I regret is not barking back. There's fun in thinking of clever ways to get out of sticky situations. Even when your instinct is to turn around and go home, it's usually better to live through it.
When I moved into a city I can still hardly afford, I felt lonely for the first few months. Everyone else seemed so sure, so certain, and I sure as hell wasn't. I figured people could tell this about me, that I was out of place.
Eventually, the streets of strangers, crowded walkways, fast-paced subways became second-nature. Loneliness transcended into independence. Movie nights, cups of peppermint tea, intensive Halloween decorations, and fairy lights.
2024, you were a doozy. You gave me tough pills to swallow and instead of spitting them out, I let them do their thing. It's hard to perceive yourself and I don't recommend that you do. Sometimes, you don't need to change. Sometimes, you do. Either way, life leads you down the trajectory you're meant to be on.
In my very dramatic and often pragmatic heart, I know it to be true. The pieces of the puzzle finally fit, and they gave me a splendid, heart-breaking, laughter-filled 2024. I am meant to be exactly where I am, and exactly who I am. An ex-teacher, part-time writer, favorite middle-child with some very good, best friends and an entire world left to explore.
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